I can only really remember one dog that I was close to growing up ... Peaches. She was a tan cocker spaniel. My mom rescued her from the SPCA (before she even made it in the door) and she became my dog w/in a few days. Many years went by and I moved away. A few months later my father told me that they had to put her down. I don't remember feeling as bad as I should have and I still feel very guilty.
Fast Forward to 2008 - So my husband had a dog, Marley, when I met him. It was destiny, she became my dog within a few weeks. She followed me everywhere I went. She waited for me by the door until I would go visit him. When I moved in, she would sleep on my side of the bed. Russ called her a traitor. I called her my new baby girl.
Recently we noticed she hasn't been eating much. She walks very slow and has not been going up the stairs to follow me to bed. Last night I came home and she didn't greet me at the door. I laid next to her for half an hour just petting her. She didn't look away from her corner. I kept my arm around her and pet her. Her breathing was labored and slow. I think I was touching her just to make sure I could feel her heart beat.
I went into the kitchen and she eventually came in. I gave her some water ... I can't imagine how much pain she is / could be in. I got up to put Gaby to bed and I looked at her before I went upstairs. She was stretching ... and the next thing I knew she started to shake, violently. My heart fell. In that moment, I had never felt so helpless. My eyes welled up with tears and I put Gaby down and ran to her. I didn't know what to do so all I did was hold her. I lost it ... I cried and cried and cried. I don't remember crying this hard but it felt like the right thing to do. I sat with her for over an hour on the kitchen floor. I tried to tell her that it was OK. That I wasn't going to leave her side. I was going to be right there for her. But I was selfish. I didn't want her to go. I wasn't ready to let her go.
Russ came in and we carried her upstairs and made a comfortable bed for her next to my side. Most of the night I kept a watchful eye on her. Every movement she made, every struggled breath made me jump. Eventually, sleep took over and I dozed off.
I woke up at 2 in the morning and put my hand down where Marley was supposed to be. She wasn't there. I froze ... did she wander off to be alone? I jumped up and looked for her. She had scooted into a corner of the room. I nudged Russ to wake up ... I didn't want to be the one that checked. Her head popped up ... we could see her gray hair in the night. He rubbed my back and said she is alright, she probably just moved because she was hot.
The next morning I woke up again and she was in the same place. I found myself all morning watching her ... holding my breath so I could watch her chest move up and down, weezing just to catch some life.
My whole morning was a blur ... I called into work to let them know I would be late. We left Marley at home and went to the Vet to see what we could do ... what we had to do. They told us that they could take her in and they could help her along, or she could pass at home in comfort. We chose home.
Today ... September 15th ... at 1:05 ... a member of our family left to go home. I feel very selfish and angry. How do you tell a dog how much they mean to you ... and really feel that they will understand.
Marley, I love you. Your shedding annoyed me. I hated every time you jumped on someone. I'm sorry I left for work that one day and forgot to let you back in. I'm sorry I would lock you up when people came over. I'm sorry that Ziggy (the puppy) played with you to the point where you would bite at him. I'm sorry that when Gaby was born you took a back seat. I'm sorry I went on vacation and didn't take you with me. I'm sorry that I didn't clean up the back yard for you like I should have. I'm sorry that I scolded you for being under Gaby's highchair when he was eating. I'm sorry that I never bought you enough treats. I'm sorry that I didn't walk you more. I'm sorry I didn't buy you enough toys. I'm sorry I didn't spend more time with you. I'm sorry that you were in pain and I was too selfish to let you go sooner.
I'm sorry that I wasn't there to hold you in your final moments ... but I'm not scared for you anymore. I remember that movie about Charlie ... All Dogs go to Heaven.
Thank you to all. Next to possibly loosing a child ... which I have never experienced ... this will be the hardest thing in my life to do. My heart aches, my heart hurts. My eyes are red from crying throughout typing this Blog.
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